Maybe you have searched late at night: What does it really mean to honor your father and mother? Maybe your family is close. Maybe it is painful. Either way, the question matters because God carved this commandment in stone.
As dads and sons, we find that the fifth commandment in Exodus 20 speaks to us from both directions. Let’s look at what honor means, why God places it at the beginning of how we love people, and where to find hope when our family stories feel broken.
Key Takeaways
The family is the first institution God created, before government, the marketplace, or the church.
To honor your parents means to give them weight, an idea linked to God’s glory.
Parents are called to pass on their faith, which is often caught more than taught.
The fifth commandment also reaches elders, leaders, and those who came before us.
Jesus kept this commandment perfectly, and his obedience becomes ours by grace.
Why Does the Fifth Commandment Come First on the Second Tablet?
The first four commandments concern loving God. The fifth begins the second tablet, which concerns loving our neighbor. Exodus 20:12 says, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”
God places family before commandments against murder, adultery, stealing, and lying. When he made Adam and Eve, his first command was to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). Malachi 2:15 explains why God made husband and wife one: he was seeking godly offspring.
God designed the family as the foundation of society, and honoring our parents is where we first learn to honor others. When parents have a child, God allows them to share in bringing an everlasting soul into the world. Nothing else we build lasts like that.
This commandment is also a bridge. God reveals himself as Father, and Paul says every family in heaven and on earth is named from him (Ephesians 3:14–15). Parents are meant to represent God to their children.
What Does It Really Mean to Honor Your Father and Mother?
The Hebrew word for honor is kabed. It carries the idea of weight, a concept linked to God’s glory. To honor your parents is to give them weight in your life.
Weight That Makes Room
Drop a heavy rock into a bucket of water. It does not bounce off; it sinks and pushes the water aside. Honor works the same way. Your preferences make room for theirs. Obedience is one form of honor, provided your parents are not asking you to disobey God.
Weight also pulls things into orbit. Planets circle the sun because of its greater mass. Honoring your parents means remembering that you are not the center of the universe. That is humbling.
Protecting and Celebrating
Honor means guarding your parents’ reputation. Jesus had plenty of material to criticize Abraham or David, yet he honored them. It also means celebrating your parents where you can. A simple “Thank you for all you poured into me” can brighten a parent’s week.
Does Honor Mean Approving Everything?
No. Honor does not mean approving sin, enabling abuse, or ignoring boundaries. When you marry, God calls you to leave your parents and cleave to your spouse, which requires healthy boundaries. Loyalty to God always comes first.
Honor does mean refusing contempt, speaking truth respectfully, and showing care.
Why Does God Care So Much About Passing On Faith?
Deuteronomy 6:4–9 calls parents to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, and might, then diligently teach his words to their children. Talk about them when you sit at home, walk along the way, lie down, and rise. In other words, all the time.
When that link breaks, a nation forgets. Judges 2:10 says, “There arose another generation after them who did not know the Lord.” Scripture calls children “a heritage from the Lord” and compares them to arrows in a warrior’s hand (Psalm 127:3–5). Proverbs 22:6 says to “train up a child in the way he should go.”
That is why we gently push back when parents say they will let their children decide whether to attend church. We would never say that about school. What we treat as optional, children hear as unimportant. Faith is often caught, not taught. Kids are always watching. When they see you repent, apologize, and show mercy, they see grace.
There is a big difference between “Obey, or God will be angry” and “Obey because God already rescued you.” The commandments themselves begin with rescue (Exodus 20:2). A child raised on grace runs toward a parent after failing, not away.
Who Else Should We Honor, and What Happens When We Don't?
Deuteronomy expands on the Ten Commandments. In the section connected to the fifth commandment, it addresses judges and officers (Deuteronomy 16:18), priests (Deuteronomy 17:9), and kings (Deuteronomy 17:14–15). The honor we learn at home reaches outward.
Scripture tells us to “honor the king” (1 Peter 2:17), to “stand up before the gray head” (Leviticus 19:32), and to count faithful church elders worthy of double honor (1 Timothy 5:17). David refused to harm Saul, even while Saul hunted him, because he was “the Lord’s anointed” (1 Samuel 24:6). Romans 13:1 reminds us that governing authorities exist under God.
This is the first commandment with a promise (Ephesians 6:2–3). The flip side is implied: societies that undermine the family decay. Paul names disobedience to parents as a mark of the last days (2 Timothy 3:1–2).
Today, many adults are estranged from family, often over values or politics rather than abuse. Research shows how much a father’s example can shape whether children keep the faith. If you are a single parent, that does not determine your children’s future, but it illustrates the weight God places on the home.
How Jesus Kept the Fifth Commandment for Us
Here is the good news: Jesus honored his parents perfectly. Luke 2:51 says he “was submissive to them.” He rebuked religious leaders who used a loophole to avoid caring for their parents (Mark 7:9–13). Even from the cross, barely able to breathe, he told his mother, “Woman, behold, your son,” and John, “Behold, your mother” (John 19:26–27). In his agony, he still made sure she would be cared for.
Jesus honored his Father in heaven even unto death, and through him we are adopted into God’s family. His perfect obedience becomes ours by grace.
As one saying puts it, civilizations collapse when children stop honoring parents, but salvation begins when the Son honors his Father.
What This Means for Daily Life
Call your parents. Tell them one specific thing you are grateful for.
Guard their reputation. Refuse to speak about them with contempt.
Model faith at home. Pray, read Scripture, and go to church in front of your kids.
Apologize to your children when you get it wrong. It teaches them grace.
Pursue reconciliation where it is safe and possible.
Show respect to elders and leaders, even when you disagree.
Reflective Questions
Who in your life deserves more weight than you have been giving them?
What are the children around you catching from your faith?
Is there a family relationship that needs a first step toward healing?
How does knowing that Jesus kept this commandment for you change how you see your failures?
Frequently Asked Questions
Do I still have to obey my parents as an adult?
Obedience is a key form of honor for children. As adults, especially after marriage, honor looks more like respect, gratitude, care, and protecting their reputation.
What if my parent was abusive?
Honor never means enabling abuse, approving sin, or ignoring boundaries. It does mean refusing contempt and, where possible and safe, finding something to give weight to.
Does the fifth commandment only apply to parents?
No. Scripture extends honor to elders, church leaders, and governing authorities. The home is where we learn honor, and it spreads outward from there.
What if my child has walked away from God?
Keep praying. Augustine’s mother, Monica, prayed for years for her wayward son. A bishop told her that the child of so many tears could not perish. Augustine eventually came to faith and credited his mother’s love.
Start Today, by Grace
If you feel like a mess when it comes to this commandment, you are not alone. We both have seasons when we feel like we are failing as dads. But we have a Father who loves our kids more than we do, and he is a far better Father than either of us.
Go to Jesus. His forgiveness and righteousness cover you. If your relationship with your parents is strained, go to them and make things right where you can. If your relationship with your kids is strained, reach out and draw them back. To honor your father and mother, and to love the children God gave you, is to honor God himself.
One of our dads used to say that today is the first day of the rest of your life. So start today! Pick one person to call, thank, or forgive this week, and share this article with someone who needs it.
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